Through Thick and Thin

You've really got a hold on me.

2008-11-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

Wow! Food is a powerful controller. All it takes is to face something I don't like and I run to food to avoid dealing with it. I heard a truthful assessment about myself and although I thought I was dealing with it, all I needed was to be left alone with food and it was right there to distract me. I use food to avoid dealing with the truth that lies in front of me.

Okay, so I'm aware of this behavior now. What am I supposed to do now? I know I will repeat this pattern in the future. I will continue to avoid the issues at hand, I will continue to abuse food for this purpose, no change will occur, failure and defeat overcome me. And the cycle continues...

Stop! Write an alternative response:
I will face that issue at hand and find a method (other than food) to work through it. This will provide a change in behavior, that I did myself. I can then claim it as an achievement and this will cycle will continue and happiness will develop.

YEAH RIGHT!!!

Can I do this?

2008-11-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's 6PM and no binging yet. Can I actually make it one whole day? I don't know why I have been able to keep it all in check; but GO ME!!

Realize, though that I've only eaten an apple, a packet of instant oatmeal, a cup of carrots, and TONS of coffee w/ creamer. But, I've kept it down and no binging...that's an accomplishment.

I called my husband and told him I needed support tonight. Yet, he's gone when I return home. I am alone in an empty house...not a good thing. I am so angry at him for leaving me here to fight this battle myself. He often says, "Why won't you let me help you?", "I can be your support so you don't feel alone.", and yet...where is he when I need him?? Is it any wonder why I don't include him in my battle with food?? He is NOT there for me, hasn't been and won't be.

Normally, I would take this raging angry and stuff it down with food. To make the angry voice dissipate. I mean, how dare I? How dare I put this pressure on him? How dare I ask for help when he puts up with all my crap? What right do I have to bother him? He's a very busy and important man; and doesn't need this added stress right??

So why didn't I do that today? Why did I come to the computer instead? The feelings and anger are still there. Is it hope? Is it that very quiet voice somewhere inside saying "Enough is Enough" and "You CAN do this; and you can do it by yourself."

I don't know the answer, but I'll take the resulting behavior. Maybe this will be the first day on my calendar without the red X representing another bad day. I'll let you know how it goes.

2008-11-04T05:55:00.001-08:00

The past two days have been irritating - I'm irritated. And instead of doing something constructive about it, I had a very unhealthy self-soothing session yesterday that included cheesecake, oreo cookie brownies, and of course plain old brownies. It continued last night, involving half a pack of Skittles, a few caramel candies and multiple mouthfuls of RediWhip from the can. I wrote in my Bootcamp journal, went to bed and resolved to have a better day today.

Amongst unappreciative bosses, irritating coworkers, feelings of failure bubbling to my surface and these two dogs whom I absolutely adore, but who are also pulling each others' tails and gnawing each others faces at this very moment, I need some peace, some quiet, and some doting. Living here alone most of the time just isn't for me and I miss that (also irritating at times) man dearly. Two more weeks.

Today I will truly be in bootcamp, checking off each box as I log my macros like Nutritionist Sally said to do. I have a list of tasks to accomplish and that way I have no choice but to do them - it leaves no free time and leaves no time to do destructive things. Lists are things you do, like it or not, and so wish me luck - I'd like to like it.

Free Falling

2008-11-03T12:13:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went skydiving and it was amazing!! I was screaming and freaking out the whole time during free fall; and yet as soon as the parachute was released it was the calmest, most peaceful experience of my life. Very similar to the black and white aspect of my life. I'm either raging or I'm in a coma. Where is the gray space? Where is the awareness of emotion, yet calm and restrained?

Which brings me to the question o'day: Does the gray space have to exist? What is wrong with a black and white personality? Sure, it's not easy and not always fun for those around me, but if this is me...shouldn't other's accept it?

I want to do another jump...I for experimental sake. I want to know if I would be more "gray" this time. Less freaking out, less comatose, and more enjoyable and gray?

I Just Don't Get It

2008-11-02T16:04:00.000-08:00

Madame Boo-Boo here,
I had an awful week, working overtime so I'm tired, training new co-workers, job pressures, not knowing how to resolve the issue with my son...I would like to crawl in the hole and pull the hole in after me. I really miss my younger sister, Nan. It just isn't the same talking on the phone. When we are together we can just look at each other and not have to say anything. She's my best friend, my sounding board, the one who makes me see things more clearly. I love her and I hate being away from her.
So, have I been doing anything good for myself? Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous! I've not been very successful at this weight thing, but I will give myself credit for not giving up. I just can't because I just do not look like the person I am on the inside. I too teary right now to continue, but I do have a plan for this coming week and I hope to have better news later. I do want to thank Spirit for keeping Mrs. Confidence safe during her great adventure sky-diving. Now that she's safely back on the ground I can admit I was a bit worried. Great job, Mrs. C, you have what it takes!!

Mum's the word

2008-10-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

ret·i·cent [ret-uh-suhnt]
adj.
1. disposed to be silent or not to speak freely; reserved.

This struggle to achieve balance in my life amongst eating, emotions and fullfillment is a deeply personal one. No one else knows exactly what it's like, though nearly everyone can relate. While the advice of others can be unbiased and eye-opening at times, I believe that those opinions can misdirect me as well.

A touch of reticence is never a bad thing - thinking before I speak, not lying but not divulging every minute thought about eating I might have. Perhaps that way I can form my own opinions and not rely entirely on others' experience to shape my future.

Forgotten Introduction

2008-10-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I never formally introduced myself. My name is Mrs. Confidence (read like misses confidence; has no confidence...but would like some PLEASE)! I have grabbled with body issues all my life. I have been battling bulimia for the past 3 years. I turned 30 years old about two weeks ago. This year, I realize I've got to come grips with my issues and free myself of negative thoughs. It is time to learn acceptance and enjoy the freedom that brings to life.

It hasn't worked so far since starting this blog, so it time for some drastic steps:

I just moved to a new house. A great excuse to start NEW and REFRESHED.
I am going for an assesment next week to determine if I am elgible for a 20 week clinical trial specifically realated to the treatment of bulimia. (Keep you fingers crosses!)
I'm going skydiving. When all else fails, just jump out of airplane and fall to the cold earth below!!

What other drastic steps have you taken to mend your relationship with food? I'd love to hear 'em b/c I need all the help I can get!!

~Mrs. Confidence

I'm not even hungry - how can I be starving?!

2008-10-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

I am craving a hamburger and fries. I'm not hungry - I just finished a lunch of a few ounces of leftover rib eye, saffron rice, a nice big salad and cinnamon apples for dessert. I'm not hungry at all. But I've been thinking about a hamburger and fries since yesterday afternoon.

I can feel it - that empty pit inside of me. It is what's screaming for the burger and fries, but that isn't what it truly wants. I know that pit and I know that a burger and fries will not only not fill that pit but it will also make me feel bloated and heavy and then have the potential to make me feel unnecessary guilt over eating it.

That pit ... my soul ... is starving and I don't know quite yet how to feed it. Help. I am turning inward and upward in seek of the answers. If I cannot find my way to the answers, please bring the answers to me.

Let the cycle continue

2008-10-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

I just read this post on Breaking The Mirror as she describes the thoughts that occur duing a desire for Peanut Butter (YUM!) and the control that food has over our decisions to eat. I completely related to it and give kudos for sharing this so that others may try to understand our complicated relationship with food.

~Mrs. Confidence

Hello, Universe, It's Me!

2008-10-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

I'd like to give a little introduction. I am a 57 year old woman that can't figure out a normal relationship with food. Food has been in my daily thoughts from the time I was a child. In the dysfunctional (I know, wasn't everyone's childhood dysfunctional?) family I grew up in, food was the only consistent, dependable thing I had. It was always there, there were no limits as to how much I could have, and it never ridiculed or embarrassed me, never called me names, and never belittled me. Who could ask for a better friend than that?

I know that the way I grew up was not normal, I know that my parental units were not up to par; I know, through therapy, that I was not given what I needed to 'grow up'....( I was, however, able to figure out how to grow out!). What I don't know is how to let it all go so that I can live life instead of always fighting it. I'm tired!! As I near retirement I just want to enjoy life without every single day revolving around food...too much, out of control; too little, on a diet.

I know we are only as sick as our secrets, so stand back, Universe! I am hoping that this blog will help things become clearer. I am beginning to believe that Spirit wants me to be happy, that being miserable does not have to be my destiny, that I am capable to rise above this. I am calling on St. Michael the Archangel (he is my patron saint), the Holy Spirit, and Blessed Mary, to help me on this journey; to hold me up; to hold my hand; to hold me accountable; to guide me and give me the strength to love myself enough.

I was afraid to write this first blog, now I'm afraid to stop!

Miss Understood, Signing In

2008-10-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce myself. I am complicated - more multi-faceted than the most brilliant diamond you've ever seen. I am twenty-five and at 5' 6" and 180 pounds, I am obsessed with my body. I grew up very overweight and reached my heaviest weight of 270 pounds in high school. Those days I woke up every morning with a smile on my face - I was optimistic and positive and loved myself, despite hating my body and everything about it.

It wasn't until I started losing weight in 2001 after graduating high school that my obsession began. I stopped eating sugar entirely and starting exercising daily. The day I got my first compliment (Hey! You've lost some weight!) was the day I became infatuated with my body and the way it appeared to others. That compliment was a poisonous apple and I was Snow White - and it has plagued me ever since.

Over the past seven years I have lost quite a bit of weight. I started way back when at a size 22 and today I wear a 12. I can exhibit more self-control and will power than those English guards in the fuzzy hats if I want to. The trouble is, I have just two modes: Obsessed and Apathetic. It is my goal to find a method of living, eating and exercising that is healthy and that also brings results without every minute of every hour of every day revolving around food, diet, exercise and body image. It is my hope that my adventure with Through Thick and Thin will help me achieve this oh-so-important goal so that I may fill my thoughts and time and soul and spirit with more nourishing, more fulfilling and more purposeful things.

I hate Mondays.

2008-10-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

I know that today is not technically a Monday, but since it's my first day at work this week, it's my Monday. And I hate it. I was trying to recover from a binge and purge episode last night. So that means coffee and avoid eating today. I didn't have coffee made, so I went to McDonalds. Then I felt guilty b/c I ordered a large latte (even though it was non-fat milk and sugar-free vanilla) and I regretted it.

I was getting sick on my stomach (no food in there!) so I ate my banana at 10:30AM (I wake up at 5:30AM). But that was a mistake, b/c once I start to eat, I cannot stop. That is why I avoid eating as long as possible. Once the banana was gone, then I ate an apple (tasteless and pithy...yet I still consumed it instead of throwing it away b/c guilt would come from wasting food). Then the oatmeal (which I didn't wait for it to cook all the way so it was too watery and gross...yet I still consumed it WHY? b/c it would be a waste to throw food away!). By this time, it's 11AM...almost lunch time so I ate my frozen "healthy" choice entree. There is a reason why there are few calories in it...there's also no taste in it!! Well, too much guilt to handle by 11:30 and I knew I would be purging so I better make it worth it. Down to the cafeteria to get a hamburger, fries, candybars, and cookies. Now comes time to hide and try to purge w/o co-workers finding out. It's a pain in the ass, but yet it must not be bad enough to get me to stop this chaotic relationship with food.

When I'm done, I vow to do better. I promise myself not to eat for the rest of the night and I will start my new heathly regime tomorrow morning. Will it last???? I'll let you know.
~Mrs. Confidence

Wanted: Babysitter for a 30 year old

2008-10-14T10:37:00.001-07:00

It's just pathetic. As long as I have someone with me, I can stay on track and avoid binging. Yet the minute I'm left alone, the voices start and I'm digging through the fridge. Who would have thought a 30-year old would need a babysitter to keep her safe from food? I sure as hell didn't...but I've proved that requirement wrong.

Yesterday I was doing really good. So proud of myself. I ate lunch at Applebees (a lovely grilled chicken sandwich and even tasted the spinach dip appetizer. It was staying down and food was the last thing from my mind. Then we got home and Steve had to run a quick errand and I stayed home. And helpped myself to a bag o'chips, leftover ice cream cake, bread slices and anything else that wasn't tied down. Do you think I got a thing for carbs or what!!

Then the guilt comes rushing in and I decide not to keep my food (I don't want to be graphic on this blog). Deep inside I knew that dinner was now blown and that I wouldn't be able to handle that meal either.

And I was right. Steve didn't want to go out to dinner. "Let's just order something in." The pizza delivery man was at my house in under 30 minutes. I thought I could make a good "mask" of being healthy by ordering the Veggie Pizza with wheat crust. Okay, have you ever tasted the wheat crust pizza? NOT GOOD; DISGUSTING ACTUALLY. But, I didn't want to show them I made a bad choice and I didn't want them to have to eat the gross veggie pizza...so I devoured the pie; knowing that I wouldn't keep any of it.

So, what did I learn today: 1.) never have pizza, not even a bite, b/c it's too much of a trigger. 2.) find a babysitter ASAP. 3.) realize that I am NOT going to change my behavior until I am ready to let go and accept that things (my body) is going to get worse before it gets better. 4.) I am not ready to give this up.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2008-10-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

This is it...my wake up call! I turned 30 today!! The day itself feels no different than any other, but in my mind I feel that this is a turning point. Today, my goal is to break free from from the chains of bulimia and enjoy the freedom to live and enjoy myself again. I've battled this disease for nearly 3 years now and I feel like I've made no progress. I want it...I want to remove the power food has over me; but easier said than done.

I know what I have to do, logically it makes sense. Yet each day, I give up at some point and let the power of food wash over me. Fill me lies, ruin my self confidence, and encourage me to hide deep within myself. The solution is so simple. Letting go and acceptance. Let go of the past, let go of the hurt, let go of the voices, let go of the perfectionism. Accept my body, my life, and my decisions. Only at that point can I achieve balance and happiness.

So why can't I just do it? What am I waiting for? Why is my grip so tight?

I don't have the answers, but hopefully this blog will become a tool for me to find out and eventually learn to have a healthy relationship with food and with myself.

~Mrs. Confidence