Wow! Food is a powerful controller. All it takes is to face something I don't like and I run to food to avoid dealing with it. I heard a truthful assessment about myself and although I thought I was dealing with it, all I needed was to be left alone with food and it was right there to distract me. I use food to avoid dealing with the truth that lies in front of me.
Okay, so I'm aware of this behavior now. What am I supposed to do now? I know I will repeat this pattern in the future. I will continue to avoid the issues at hand, I will continue to abuse food for this purpose, no change will occur, failure and defeat overcome me. And the cycle continues...
Stop! Write an alternative response:
I will face that issue at hand and find a method (other than food) to work through it. This will provide a change in behavior, that I did myself. I can then claim it as an achievement and this will cycle will continue and happiness will develop.
YEAH RIGHT!!!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Can I do this?
It's 6PM and no binging yet. Can I actually make it one whole day? I don't know why I have been able to keep it all in check; but GO ME!!
Realize, though that I've only eaten an apple, a packet of instant oatmeal, a cup of carrots, and TONS of coffee w/ creamer. But, I've kept it down and no binging...that's an accomplishment.
I called my husband and told him I needed support tonight. Yet, he's gone when I return home. I am alone in an empty house...not a good thing. I am so angry at him for leaving me here to fight this battle myself. He often says, "Why won't you let me help you?", "I can be your support so you don't feel alone.", and yet...where is he when I need him?? Is it any wonder why I don't include him in my battle with food?? He is NOT there for me, hasn't been and won't be.
Normally, I would take this raging angry and stuff it down with food. To make the angry voice dissipate. I mean, how dare I? How dare I put this pressure on him? How dare I ask for help when he puts up with all my crap? What right do I have to bother him? He's a very busy and important man; and doesn't need this added stress right??
So why didn't I do that today? Why did I come to the computer instead? The feelings and anger are still there. Is it hope? Is it that very quiet voice somewhere inside saying "Enough is Enough" and "You CAN do this; and you can do it by yourself."
I don't know the answer, but I'll take the resulting behavior. Maybe this will be the first day on my calendar without the red X representing another bad day. I'll let you know how it goes.
Realize, though that I've only eaten an apple, a packet of instant oatmeal, a cup of carrots, and TONS of coffee w/ creamer. But, I've kept it down and no binging...that's an accomplishment.
I called my husband and told him I needed support tonight. Yet, he's gone when I return home. I am alone in an empty house...not a good thing. I am so angry at him for leaving me here to fight this battle myself. He often says, "Why won't you let me help you?", "I can be your support so you don't feel alone.", and yet...where is he when I need him?? Is it any wonder why I don't include him in my battle with food?? He is NOT there for me, hasn't been and won't be.
Normally, I would take this raging angry and stuff it down with food. To make the angry voice dissipate. I mean, how dare I? How dare I put this pressure on him? How dare I ask for help when he puts up with all my crap? What right do I have to bother him? He's a very busy and important man; and doesn't need this added stress right??
So why didn't I do that today? Why did I come to the computer instead? The feelings and anger are still there. Is it hope? Is it that very quiet voice somewhere inside saying "Enough is Enough" and "You CAN do this; and you can do it by yourself."
I don't know the answer, but I'll take the resulting behavior. Maybe this will be the first day on my calendar without the red X representing another bad day. I'll let you know how it goes.
The past two days have been irritating - I'm irritated. And instead of doing something constructive about it, I had a very unhealthy self-soothing session yesterday that included cheesecake, oreo cookie brownies, and of course plain old brownies. It continued last night, involving half a pack of Skittles, a few caramel candies and multiple mouthfuls of RediWhip from the can. I wrote in my Bootcamp journal, went to bed and resolved to have a better day today.
Amongst unappreciative bosses, irritating coworkers, feelings of failure bubbling to my surface and these two dogs whom I absolutely adore, but who are also pulling each others' tails and gnawing each others faces at this very moment, I need some peace, some quiet, and some doting. Living here alone most of the time just isn't for me and I miss that (also irritating at times) man dearly. Two more weeks.
Today I will truly be in bootcamp, checking off each box as I log my macros like Nutritionist Sally said to do. I have a list of tasks to accomplish and that way I have no choice but to do them - it leaves no free time and leaves no time to do destructive things. Lists are things you do, like it or not, and so wish me luck - I'd like to like it.
Amongst unappreciative bosses, irritating coworkers, feelings of failure bubbling to my surface and these two dogs whom I absolutely adore, but who are also pulling each others' tails and gnawing each others faces at this very moment, I need some peace, some quiet, and some doting. Living here alone most of the time just isn't for me and I miss that (also irritating at times) man dearly. Two more weeks.
Today I will truly be in bootcamp, checking off each box as I log my macros like Nutritionist Sally said to do. I have a list of tasks to accomplish and that way I have no choice but to do them - it leaves no free time and leaves no time to do destructive things. Lists are things you do, like it or not, and so wish me luck - I'd like to like it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Free Falling
Yesterday I went skydiving and it was amazing!! I was screaming and freaking out the whole time during free fall; and yet as soon as the parachute was released it was the calmest, most peaceful experience of my life. Very similar to the black and white aspect of my life. I'm either raging or I'm in a coma. Where is the gray space? Where is the awareness of emotion, yet calm and restrained?
Which brings me to the question o'day: Does the gray space have to exist? What is wrong with a black and white personality? Sure, it's not easy and not always fun for those around me, but if this is me...shouldn't other's accept it?
I want to do another jump...I for experimental sake. I want to know if I would be more "gray" this time. Less freaking out, less comatose, and more enjoyable and gray?
Which brings me to the question o'day: Does the gray space have to exist? What is wrong with a black and white personality? Sure, it's not easy and not always fun for those around me, but if this is me...shouldn't other's accept it?
I want to do another jump...I for experimental sake. I want to know if I would be more "gray" this time. Less freaking out, less comatose, and more enjoyable and gray?
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I Just Don't Get It
Madame Boo-Boo here,
I had an awful week, working overtime so I'm tired, training new co-workers, job pressures, not knowing how to resolve the issue with my son...I would like to crawl in the hole and pull the hole in after me. I really miss my younger sister, Nan. It just isn't the same talking on the phone. When we are together we can just look at each other and not have to say anything. She's my best friend, my sounding board, the one who makes me see things more clearly. I love her and I hate being away from her.
So, have I been doing anything good for myself? Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous! I've not been very successful at this weight thing, but I will give myself credit for not giving up. I just can't because I just do not look like the person I am on the inside. I too teary right now to continue, but I do have a plan for this coming week and I hope to have better news later. I do want to thank Spirit for keeping Mrs. Confidence safe during her great adventure sky-diving. Now that she's safely back on the ground I can admit I was a bit worried. Great job, Mrs. C, you have what it takes!!
I had an awful week, working overtime so I'm tired, training new co-workers, job pressures, not knowing how to resolve the issue with my son...I would like to crawl in the hole and pull the hole in after me. I really miss my younger sister, Nan. It just isn't the same talking on the phone. When we are together we can just look at each other and not have to say anything. She's my best friend, my sounding board, the one who makes me see things more clearly. I love her and I hate being away from her.
So, have I been doing anything good for myself? Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous! I've not been very successful at this weight thing, but I will give myself credit for not giving up. I just can't because I just do not look like the person I am on the inside. I too teary right now to continue, but I do have a plan for this coming week and I hope to have better news later. I do want to thank Spirit for keeping Mrs. Confidence safe during her great adventure sky-diving. Now that she's safely back on the ground I can admit I was a bit worried. Great job, Mrs. C, you have what it takes!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Mum's the word
ret·i·cent [ret-uh-suhnt]
adj.
1. disposed to be silent or not to speak freely; reserved.
This struggle to achieve balance in my life amongst eating, emotions and fullfillment is a deeply personal one. No one else knows exactly what it's like, though nearly everyone can relate. While the advice of others can be unbiased and eye-opening at times, I believe that those opinions can misdirect me as well.
A touch of reticence is never a bad thing - thinking before I speak, not lying but not divulging every minute thought about eating I might have. Perhaps that way I can form my own opinions and not rely entirely on others' experience to shape my future.
adj.
1. disposed to be silent or not to speak freely; reserved.
This struggle to achieve balance in my life amongst eating, emotions and fullfillment is a deeply personal one. No one else knows exactly what it's like, though nearly everyone can relate. While the advice of others can be unbiased and eye-opening at times, I believe that those opinions can misdirect me as well.
A touch of reticence is never a bad thing - thinking before I speak, not lying but not divulging every minute thought about eating I might have. Perhaps that way I can form my own opinions and not rely entirely on others' experience to shape my future.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Forgotten Introduction
I just realized that I never formally introduced myself. My name is Mrs. Confidence (read like misses confidence; has no confidence...but would like some PLEASE)! I have grabbled with body issues all my life. I have been battling bulimia for the past 3 years. I turned 30 years old about two weeks ago. This year, I realize I've got to come grips with my issues and free myself of negative thoughs. It is time to learn acceptance and enjoy the freedom that brings to life.
It hasn't worked so far since starting this blog, so it time for some drastic steps:
It hasn't worked so far since starting this blog, so it time for some drastic steps:
- I just moved to a new house. A great excuse to start NEW and REFRESHED.
- I am going for an assesment next week to determine if I am elgible for a 20 week clinical trial specifically realated to the treatment of bulimia. (Keep you fingers crosses!)
- I'm going skydiving. When all else fails, just jump out of airplane and fall to the cold earth below!!
What other drastic steps have you taken to mend your relationship with food? I'd love to hear 'em b/c I need all the help I can get!!
~Mrs. Confidence
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