I hate Mondays.

I know that today is not technically a Monday, but since it's my first day at work this week, it's my Monday. And I hate it. I was trying to recover from a binge and purge episode last night. So that means coffee and avoid eating today. I didn't have coffee made, so I went to McDonalds. Then I felt guilty b/c I ordered a large latte (even though it was non-fat milk and sugar-free vanilla) and I regretted it.

I was getting sick on my stomach (no food in there!) so I ate my banana at 10:30AM (I wake up at 5:30AM). But that was a mistake, b/c once I start to eat, I cannot stop. That is why I avoid eating as long as possible. Once the banana was gone, then I ate an apple (tasteless and pithy...yet I still consumed it instead of throwing it away b/c guilt would come from wasting food). Then the oatmeal (which I didn't wait for it to cook all the way so it was too watery and gross...yet I still consumed it WHY? b/c it would be a waste to throw food away!). By this time, it's 11AM...almost lunch time so I ate my frozen "healthy" choice entree. There is a reason why there are few calories in it...there's also no taste in it!! Well, too much guilt to handle by 11:30 and I knew I would be purging so I better make it worth it. Down to the cafeteria to get a hamburger, fries, candybars, and cookies. Now comes time to hide and try to purge w/o co-workers finding out. It's a pain in the ass, but yet it must not be bad enough to get me to stop this chaotic relationship with food.

When I'm done, I vow to do better. I promise myself not to eat for the rest of the night and I will start my new heathly regime tomorrow morning. Will it last???? I'll let you know.
~Mrs. Confidence