It's just pathetic. As long as I have someone with me, I can stay on track and avoid binging. Yet the minute I'm left alone, the voices start and I'm digging through the fridge. Who would have thought a 30-year old would need a babysitter to keep her safe from food? I sure as hell didn't...but I've proved that requirement wrong.
Yesterday I was doing really good. So proud of myself. I ate lunch at Applebees (a lovely grilled chicken sandwich and even tasted the spinach dip appetizer. It was staying down and food was the last thing from my mind. Then we got home and Steve had to run a quick errand and I stayed home. And helpped myself to a bag o'chips, leftover ice cream cake, bread slices and anything else that wasn't tied down. Do you think I got a thing for carbs or what!!
Then the guilt comes rushing in and I decide not to keep my food (I don't want to be graphic on this blog). Deep inside I knew that dinner was now blown and that I wouldn't be able to handle that meal either.
And I was right. Steve didn't want to go out to dinner. "Let's just order something in." The pizza delivery man was at my house in under 30 minutes. I thought I could make a good "mask" of being healthy by ordering the Veggie Pizza with wheat crust. Okay, have you ever tasted the wheat crust pizza? NOT GOOD; DISGUSTING ACTUALLY. But, I didn't want to show them I made a bad choice and I didn't want them to have to eat the gross veggie pizza...so I devoured the pie; knowing that I wouldn't keep any of it.
So, what did I learn today: 1.) never have pizza, not even a bite, b/c it's too much of a trigger. 2.) find a babysitter ASAP. 3.) realize that I am NOT going to change my behavior until I am ready to let go and accept that things (my body) is going to get worse before it gets better. 4.) I am not ready to give this up.
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